I beat the shit out of my dog today... Really...

So I'm sitting here raking my brain for something to write about. "This is my first blog ever! This has to be fucking epic!" I think to myself. And the only thing that comes to mind out of all the ridiculous adventures in my life that seem like a real life reality show is the fact that I beat the shit out of my dog today.


No... Really... Get this...


My dog is a pretty good little guy. He minds pretty well and has a few tricks and is an absolute chick magnet. Girls love him and he loves girls. Especially pretty ones I've noticed. The little guy has probably had his face in more pairs of breasts in his short life than I ever have. Well... probably not. But I do see him beating me in the long run, he is still just a pup.


Anywho, I let him out to go to the bathroom and he goes and does his thing. He comes right back in the door that I leave open. Now I don't have a fenced in yard so that's a pretty well-behaved dog right? And I don't bother closing the door because it's a beautiful day outside.


As I'm immersed into the stock ticker I hear some barking in the distance and then some pitter patter of my dog running down the stairs off the balcony. I look outside and the little guy is next to the fence nose to nose with this other dog and they are just wagging their fluffy tails as if they were trying to take flight using them as propellers. The neighbor then calls his dog inside and he trots away with my dog still trying to play through the fence.


Let's call him Gadget from now on to keep the confusion to a minimum while still protecting the innocent... And the guilty.


So I holler out "Gadget! Let's go! Inside!" Which usually has the little guy scurrying up the stairs as fast as he can right through the door and sliding across the wooden floor just inside.


No response.


In fact he's barking at something else and running towards it. I'm a little peeved that he didn't listen the first time, but now that I'm using a very firm voice and continuously barking commands at Gadget with no hesitation of persuing his new interest, I'm absolutely livid. By the time I get downstairs and into the front yard he's all the way across the street barking at an extremely fat and sweaty man who was apparently doing some sort of work at this house.


Now I'm past mad.


He's embarrassing me in front of the neighbors on top of endangering his life by running out in the street. And all this for some balder, more obese version of Tony Soprano with a horribly kept goatee?


Can I at least get an awkard meeting with a hot cougar out of all this commotion?


Keep in mind that this little fucker only weighs about 10 pounds.


Very non-threatening.


Finally he turns around and sees me in hot persuit yelling at him to come. His ears and tail immediately drop and he starts running away from me. He stops to look back a couple times to see me briskly walking after him but still keeping me at arm's reach.


He beats me inside and as I come in the door I tell him to come here again. He then scurries down the stairs inside the house. I catch a glimpse of his tail as he darts behind the E-Z chair just as I get to the bottom of the stairs. He is still ignoring my commands. I am literally shaking I'm so mad at this damn dog!


I finally get him out from behind the chair by leaning over and pushing him out from right and blocking his escape from the left.
Good thing I have long arms or the little fucker would have escaped this maneuver. Accepting his capture he finally gives up the chase.


Now if you're an officer of PETA you might have some choice words for me after reading what happens next. But then again... I don't care... He's my dog. 


I almost feel bad for the little guy now that I'm re-living the experience here through my keyboard. I remember back when I was a kid and I did some shit that I knew I was gonna get my ass beat for. Not just a normal ass-whoopin... But one where I could almost see the steam coming from my dad's ears as he approached while scolding me with the finger-shaking of his left hand along with the unbuckling and "Thwapp!" of his belt with one quick fluid motion from his right. I remember the last thought that went through my head as I desperately saught a way out of the inevitable ass-thrashing that was about to ensue.


Guilt! It's my only glimmer of hope!


So I cowered away nearly shaking from the fear that was rushing through my veins and looked directly up into my dad's eyes desperately trying to muster up some tears... Now this is the point where my father would say something like "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." And I'm like "Yeah fuckin right! Otherwise my Oscar award winning guilt trip I just performed for you live would have kept you from beating my ass!"


Anywho... Gadget attempted the same technique on me that I had used years before on my father while attempting to cover his backside from imminent danger. I halfway hesitated, and it almost worked. But I knew he needed an ass-whoopin so I gave him 3 quick, sharp smacks on his ass.


Then, I look down as he scurried away and sure enough, I'm not shitting you... A fucking turd about the size of grape had fallen out of his ass!!!


Outloud I say to myself, "I literally just beat the shit out of my dog! Who else can say they have done that before?"


I wasn't even mad anymore. In fact I LOL'd to myself and soon Gadget was over it too, licking my face and being just as playful as always. We can't stay mad at each other.


-Slo-mo