Sunday, June 6, 2010

Rocky's first time

So my dog is a baby. Really, he's only a year and two months and he acts just like a four year-old boy. When I ride in the truck sometimes ill take him around in the back and he loves to peek his head out from his little opening in the bed and do the dog thing with the wind in his face. This was a chance choice that led him to losing his virginity, much like people's own choices.

This black guy in a purple lincoln rolls up on the side of me. Ghetto ride... check. Afro....check. This guy is definitely going to comment on how much of a good looking dog Rocky is. He drives past and then slows down and motions for me to roll down the window.

"Aye man is that a boy?"


"You looking at breeding him?"

"Actually I am. Do you have a bitch?"

"Yeeah right here in the car with me AND she's in heat"

"Cool man pull over and I'll get your number."

So he pulls over in St. Francis parking lot and we start talking. Apparently his dog doesn't have papers but they want her to have a litter and then spay her. And Rocky honest to God has Van Wilder-like balls. I feel an overwhelming obligation to be there for my son.

"Man I ain't fucked up about it they can do it right here. I'll even hold 'em"

Hmmm Rocky do you want to play with a little girl dog for a second?

So we get them both out and Rocky just starts playing because, well he's a puppy. But he caught on quick. He started licking this dog's vagina and then would go play and come back and just do it again. Finally Rocky felt this was enough foreplay and moved to mount her. A little into it though, he proceeded to stop and go back down on this dog. Apparently there are times you should put your dog out of the bedroom. He then proceeded to walk by and pee on her ass.

Guy: "Come on man, I mean it's already yours but you ain't got to pee on her!"

I must've laughed so hard that my stomach was hurting.

This had to be the sight of the year at St. Francis hospital. It was on a hill where everyone has to drive by and here's this black guy with an afro holding the dogs while they're furiously humping. I just couldn't shake the scene from Joe Dirt where the dog is supposed to be going to get help but when it cuts to him he's got sidetracked by some ass and to make it better the background song, "Bow wow wow yippee yo yippy yay." It was just like a human's first time. He kept slipping out and didn't last that long and she was reluctant and in serious pain.

I asked where they lived so we could set that dogs up to play.

Guy: "I stay out north right now."

His mom: "I stay in a hotel right now. I got sick from my apartment and I'm going to sue the landowner for the whole apartment building. I'd be set after that."

I don't even know what to say to this so I get his number and get on my way.

Van Wilder was wrong, Rocky still has giant balls. But he's happy, he has a new playmate and I get first pick of the litter.

- Cabbage