Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Memorial Day Incident

There are three days in the summer where people like to get drunk and sunburned in honor of patriotism: Labor Day, July 4th, and Memorial Day. On the latter of these, we honor our fallen veterans by sinking millions of pounds of expensive sunglasses and cheap beer cans to the bottom of our favorite lake. The older fans participate by bringing their big, expensive boats and the younger fans contribute by bringing their young, good-looking bodies accompanied by nudity. It’s like you go to the lake with a mental checklist of things you want to accomplish or find: free alcohol, multi-level boat, waverunner, avoid authorities, random hookup, and a random disaster to make it interesting.

            My friend ODB kept hitting me up the week before asking what I was going to do. I told him that I didn’t know yet and that we might be going to another lake. He said that they had a boat and that we could come, bring the dogs and we could stay the night. I agree that this sounds better than other half-ass plans, so at the last minute we decide to make a trek to the lake with Slo-mo and Douche plus Rocky and Gadget for good measure. Since we were late and it’s already dusk, we met them in a parking lot where we left the truck.

            ODB could be summed up by the mantra, “It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission,” and sometimes this leaves someone in an awkward position but ultimately gets the job done.  The person in this instance was the guy who owned the boat.

“Yeah, I’m sorry man I didn’t even think about it.”
“But I don’t think that dogs on the boat are a good idea…”
“Yeah but they’re already here.”
 “And they can't leave them in the car, I mean come on it’s summer.”
“Ok… but no dogs on the seats.”

            Everyone knew there was no way that would actually happen, but it’s really the gesture that allowed him to feel like he wasn’t a pushover. There’s three other guys and one girl already on the boat, all of which look tired and ready to drink. We immediately headed for a bar about a 20 minute ride away where we tied up the dogs as our security measure.

On the way, ODB recounted the tales of all the naked breasts that he had seen during the day. Typical, the guy seriously is like Ron Jeremy in the fact that he is fat, ugly and hairy and will get more pussy than just about any guy I know because of his sexually aggressive attitude and a Doppler radar for cute girls with low self-esteem. He immediately spots three as we walk up.

“Hey girls, where are you going? The bar is this way.”
“We’re not old enough to go there.”
“How old are you?”
“Ok, how old are you?”
“I told you, we’re 17.”
“Let’s try this again, how old are you?”
“I already told you that we’re 17.”
“Christ, you’re not very good at this are you?”
“How old are you?”
“I’m 21, and my cousins here are 20.”

            This is an incredible lie. I’m impressed by his poker face. Not only are the youngest of us older than 21, but he’s by far the oldest. But the girls are cute, and it’s ok if you’re not caught in the act and they don’t have your contact information. I talk to one, but it’s too late. Douche is impressive by himself but a horrible wingman and potential poacher at all times and Slo-mo usually simply gets laid by the girl that wants to fuck the tall guy that night. So they simply stand there and say nothing. And cut. Ok, first group is out of the way and I feel ready to talk to every person in the bar.

That is, until we actually get in this bar. No one is in this fucking little shithole. It’s a tiny little bar at the side of a restaurant, but there is nothing else open so we begin drinking tequila shots and flirting with the bartender. To our dismay she’s a small town simpleton and gets boring after a while and soon she decides we’ve had enough and cuts us off.

On one hand I’m surprised as I have never actually been cut off before. I mean, I’ve been thrown out of bars for stupid shit long after they should’ve stopped serving me but it’s much more insulting to be told you’re cut off or, even worse, for them to offer you a complimentary cup of coffee. Starbucks can fuck off, I want some Jose Gold.

            So we go outside to see what we can find when I see this extra long, yellow golf cart plugged into a wall with the keys in it. ODB looks to see what I’m looking at and immediately grabs the wheel. “Cabbage unplug it!” And we’re off on a joyride.  ODB sees a girl and pulls up along side her in the parking lot and honks the comical golf cart horn at her.

“Hey, why don’t you come hop on for a ride?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Driving around, see I work here.”
“No you don’t, I work here.”
“I don’t believe you. I’ve never seen you here before.”

            Just then, the bartender comes outside. “Ok, if you boys give me the keys I’ll serve you more alcohol.” Are you fucking kidding me? We got so hammered that you cut us off and we stole your short bus and now you’re offering us more Cuervo? So much for your self-righteousness. Don’t mind if I do!

ODB ends up buying us all shots and I pick up a round too. But, since he doesn’t actually have any money I end up buying both. Fucking ODB. Finally the bar is actually closing and we are kicked out for our final time.

            On the way out I spy a large, blue Bud Light cooler- the type that are usually pulled out for large events. I flip the top on it only to reveal a 10’x2’x2’ bin full of tall boy Bud Lights. There was a frozen moment in time where we all stood and looked in shock and amazement, followed by what can only be likened to a 13 year old boy with his parents credit card in an adult book store. In my drunken stupor, I realized that this was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to me in my entire adulthood. Career, prestige and sex all held no candle to my tub full of immediate alcohol. We grabbed as many as our arms could hold, we used our shirts as slings and felt like we had just hit a bank heist. Midway through, however, I stopped everyone.

“Hey, we really shouldn’t do this.”
“Umm are you fucking kidding me?”
“Seriously, it’s bad fucking karma.”
“No dude, this is our good karma coming back to us!”

            This sounds like a much more plausible explanation to me, and we all return to taking what is rightfully ours and dash off to our aquatic getaway ride where our dogs are waiting, of course on the seats. We laugh maniacally as we speed off into the darkness. But it's not quite that easy. If you really want to make God laugh, try telling him your plans.

“Dude, why are you slowing down?”
“I’m not, it’s the boat!”
“Look bro I’m not in the mood to have you fucking around with my boat.”

And she’s dead. Smoke is everywhere.  Are you kidding me? Fucking instant karma redemption. But I'm looking at the silver lining.

“Guys we are completely fucked, we are not going to see another boat at 2:30 in the morning. Let’s just drop anchor, start drinking the rest of the beer and hope no huge yacht nails us in the middle of the night.”

I start in with my friends for a while until we actually see another light in the distance. We get their attention and they agree to tow us the rest of the way back. I liked them very much until I offered beer and they all declined as they said they didn't drink alcohol. You are not one of us. 

Rocky gets to sniffing at the water while we’re setting everything up.  I’ve heard of some people teaching their kids to swim by throwing them in, dogs have got to be easier. “Dude, if you’re curious just get in!” Rocky makes this reluctant and terrified splash as I shove him into the water. And this is how water phobia starts. I see the look on his face of absolute terror. I feel so bad and immediately help him back in. When he looks at me, I feel like I am Judas. Finally, we get hooked up and towed the rest of the way 

“Umm dude, didn’t you say we could stay the night here?”
“Yeah, I mean we could if you really want to sleep in the car.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Yeah sorry dude, don’t worry about it I’ll drive.”
“I didn’t see your car here.”
“It’s not, my buddy came here earlier and forgot his keys on the boat.”

            This completely distracts me from how pissed off I should be. Now I know this is extremely unsafe, but I decide to ride shotgun considering that I find the owner of the car to be a complete tool and even the prospect of damaging the car on the way home seems hilarious. I put Douche in charge of driving my truck. The straggler girl looks at Slo-mo and tells him, “I’m riding with you.” At the time I felt that no one could have been drunker than me, but it turns out that I was perhaps the most sober.

            As we drive down the road, my friend is hitting more lines than Lindsay Lohan in a Hollywood bathroom. Meanwhile I realize that it would be incredible fun to crawl out of the sunroof on the highway and hold on at 80 miles an hour. “Dude, just don’t hit the brakes,” I tell him as his only instruction. Somewhere in my mind I tried not to imagine encountering a roadblock and all the troubles that could ensue. Slo-mo felt this was a very funny sight in front him as he sat in the backseat of my own truck behind me getting a blowjob. 

            And here's where the blackout begins. Slo-mo drives himself and his party favor home. He later tells me that the only thing he ever said to this girl was the next morning, “Well, see you later.” Free alcohol: check. Random hookup: check. Avoid authorities and random disaster: check, check. We completely missed a huge boat to party on, and we traded our waverunner in for a golf cart short bus, but we ended up forgetting all the beer we had stolen. Oh well easy come, easy go.

~ Cabbage

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Rocky's first time

So my dog is a baby. Really, he's only a year and two months and he acts just like a four year-old boy. When I ride in the truck sometimes ill take him around in the back and he loves to peek his head out from his little opening in the bed and do the dog thing with the wind in his face. This was a chance choice that led him to losing his virginity, much like people's own choices.

This black guy in a purple lincoln rolls up on the side of me. Ghetto ride... check. Afro....check. This guy is definitely going to comment on how much of a good looking dog Rocky is. He drives past and then slows down and motions for me to roll down the window.

"Aye man is that a boy?"


"You looking at breeding him?"

"Actually I am. Do you have a bitch?"

"Yeeah right here in the car with me AND she's in heat"

"Cool man pull over and I'll get your number."

So he pulls over in St. Francis parking lot and we start talking. Apparently his dog doesn't have papers but they want her to have a litter and then spay her. And Rocky honest to God has Van Wilder-like balls. I feel an overwhelming obligation to be there for my son.

"Man I ain't fucked up about it they can do it right here. I'll even hold 'em"

Hmmm Rocky do you want to play with a little girl dog for a second?

So we get them both out and Rocky just starts playing because, well he's a puppy. But he caught on quick. He started licking this dog's vagina and then would go play and come back and just do it again. Finally Rocky felt this was enough foreplay and moved to mount her. A little into it though, he proceeded to stop and go back down on this dog. Apparently there are times you should put your dog out of the bedroom. He then proceeded to walk by and pee on her ass.

Guy: "Come on man, I mean it's already yours but you ain't got to pee on her!"

I must've laughed so hard that my stomach was hurting.

This had to be the sight of the year at St. Francis hospital. It was on a hill where everyone has to drive by and here's this black guy with an afro holding the dogs while they're furiously humping. I just couldn't shake the scene from Joe Dirt where the dog is supposed to be going to get help but when it cuts to him he's got sidetracked by some ass and to make it better the background song, "Bow wow wow yippee yo yippy yay." It was just like a human's first time. He kept slipping out and didn't last that long and she was reluctant and in serious pain.

I asked where they lived so we could set that dogs up to play.

Guy: "I stay out north right now."

His mom: "I stay in a hotel right now. I got sick from my apartment and I'm going to sue the landowner for the whole apartment building. I'd be set after that."

I don't even know what to say to this so I get his number and get on my way.

Van Wilder was wrong, Rocky still has giant balls. But he's happy, he has a new playmate and I get first pick of the litter.

- Cabbage

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Just another night.

I love my apartment building. Seriously, it's kind of a shit hole but everyone here is friendly and it's more like a big dorm than anything else. Some nights I'll come home to my neighbor offering beer on the front patio and then someone orders pizza and it's just a great feeling you don't get very often in this city. So one night, this Italian that lived down the hall stopped me to say hi as I'm coming up the stairs.

"Ayim leefing to night."

"To go where?"


"You mean like home-home?"

"Yes, Sweetzerlind I haff to be et the earport at fife."

I ignore the conflict of nationalities and start to tell him goodbye and he offers me a drink. I accept and we get to talking about all sorts of random shit and then I ask him what he wanted to do his final night in the states.

"Will, I kind uf wantid to go to the streep clup."

Sounds good to me. I haven't really checked any of them around here out as the laws are really lame so I usually just get my fix when I'm in Vegas. The laws state that you can have fully nude dancers and no alcohol, or you can have a bikini bar with full bar.

Seriously this is bullshit. The bible belt has better laws for a strip club? What do I want to do, go ogle some naked chick while I sip on my Capri Sun?

I choose to go with the bikini for a number of reasons. For example, the girls dancing at a bikini bar might be somewhat normal whereas the girls at a fully nude bar are swallowing xanax and E pills to try to forget the fact that they're rubbing their clit in some stranger's beard for a dollar bill. There's also the fact that one is just a bar with girls dancing in the background, where the other one there's nothing to do except watch the completely naked girls and ponder how her father would feel if he accidentally ended up in this establishment. I also find conversations incredibly awkward with only one party completely naked: can you just go put on a robe or can I just get naked too? There's also the blatant fact that one serves tequila and one doesn't and the $20 cover for the full nude would buy a few shots of Cuervo. Bikini bar has it, hands down.

When we finally get to this place, I can't help but notice that it looks like an expanded trailer with mirrors all over the walls and what looks like silver garland from an old Christmas tree draped about. Much like many strippers, a lot of makeup on an ugly face just can't hide the beast beneath. Then again I was raised in dumps, so I'm much more comfortable here than some ritzy, $500-a-bottle place.

The Italian buys a round of drinks and a couple shots of Cuervo. Now this is the sign that imminent danger is approaching. Tequila inevitably gets me fired up for the night, after a night of too much it's like everything I see I'd like to kiss it or smash it to a million, tiny pieces. I lose what little regard for social norms I have and basically make a huge mess of everything. I am a running, yelling, coherent fucking mess. The problem is I end up forgetting a lot, but if it weren't for that and the muffled cries of my liver I would simply carry around a camel bak full at all times.

The first girl that we talk to is a perfect reflection of the establishment itself: she had bleached out damaged hair, skin wrinkling from what was probably a drug habit, had no brain in her body, and fake tits that were so bad that they looked like someone stuffed two huge gumdrops just below the surface of her skin.

In the conversation, the subject came up about getting fucked up so she asked me if I did anything. I respond "Yeah, crack for 15 years I just quit," to which she responds "Hey, me too!" She's too dumb for humor and she's clearly not kidding. When she leaves for a dance, he can't control himself and explains to me his idea of economics.

"Yeh men, she iz hot huh?"

"Dude, not really."

"Yaah. I gote a dans from her lasstime. I like her becos she iz Americon. I can note fynt girls like theese back hohme. Blont heyir, beeg fake teets ant leetle waist."

"Dude, she looks worn the fuck out and those are some of the worst fake tits I've ever seen. And no brain. Do you think of American women as not having brains?"


I ignore it and pretty soon a couple of pretty girls are sitting and talking to us. I'm a few shots in and making jokes and everyone is cracking up.

"You're the funniest person ever! You remind of my friend back home."

"Really? Tell me about him."

"Well, he got suspended in high school for throwing a rubber ducky at a teacher and one time he showed up in the school cafeteria dressed up as a banana to fight this kid that was dressed as a pea pod. He got an almost perfect score on his SAT but had a 2.0 because he got in so much trouble. I love him soo much."

I feel respect for the girl's standards and secretly wish I had thought about being this cool in high school. I would love to meet this guy. Maybe he'll read this.

Then the girl looks at me and says, "I should be making money, but I don't even care." He gets up in the middle of the conversation but I don't really pay much attention. After a second one of the girls remarks in absolute shock, "Is that your friend over there getting a dance from her?" I look over to see him going into the VIP with this caricature of a woman.

"Yeah, guess so," is all I can reply.

This guy comes by and asks what kind of tequila I was drinking.

"Patron is the best."

"Fuck Patron, it's piss water. I like my tequila like I like my sex: rough and dirty."

The girls roar with laughter. He disagrees so he decides to buy me a shot of Patron. It still tastes like piss, but I don't turn it down since this helps me get closer to complete annihilation. I would probably swallow quarters at this point if I thought it would help me get drunker.

Later we find one of the girls we were talking to earlier was sitting with a couple of guys in a banquet that was reserved, so we go sit with him and start making friends. He's a huge guy from Nebraska with tattoos to his finger tips and a bald head, a nice guy but he looks mean as fuck. He kind of looks like a bigger, tougher version of the singer from Disturbed. This other guy comes by and asks if we want to buy some coke or dope whatever, he has it. Really? The guy in the strip club wearing a Kobe jersey with no undershirt and sunglasses? I could have never picked him out. The girls tell us he has been bugging them all night trying to buy them for the night. "You know what would be funny is if I acted like I wanted to buy some shit and then beat his ass," says the big cornhusker. We all laugh and agree.

I go into the bathroom for a piss only to see this guy along with this guy in the jersey behind him walk in afterwards. They duck into the stall directly behind me, and all I can see with the open door is the cornhusker. I look back and he smiles at me. I can only hear the sound. Ba-boom bam! "Oh shit! Shit!" This guy scrambles his way out of the stall but the large hand of the Nebraska man grabs his jersey. The guy ignores it and literally runs out of his jersey while the man stands there smiling and holding his jersey as it rips of the guy's back. He tears it in half and hands me one half, "Here's your souvenir."

We end up going to get something to eat with a couple of the girls and then head home since he has to catch his flight. I don't care. I don't even remember anything past the club. I don't remember saying bye to the Italian, nothing. Apparently I drunk dialed my girl back home to tell her how pretty she was. I appreciate these nights, I just wish I could remember more. Maybe I'll get a voice recorder and try wearing it all night when I go out next time.

~ Cabbage

Sunday, March 28, 2010


So I'm drunk as shit and it's 6AM right... I have been preaching to this guy all night about how to pick up girls... how to meet girls... how to treat girls... blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. He's a guy that you look at and say he has no chance. I tell him it's all about confidence! This fucker will not listen!! Keeps contradicting everything I say and even everything he says... So I pretty much give up on him and have almost ruined my own confidence in myself because I have given him every good piece of advice I possibly can and he shoots it down like I can't do it either!!!!

Finally I'm like OK we'll take this shit to the field and see how it works and we both crash.

Still thinking about this hardcore...

I'm a man

I know what I'm talking about

I can do anything I put my mind to.... Why can't another human being do the same?

Alll of these things running through my head while I'm taking the ultimate drunk piss of a lifetime... And i hear a fly buzzing around my head.

I tell myself... "I will destroy this fly! With one swift movement I will take this disgusting being's life and it will cease to exist!"

I stand in the bathroom with my hands shoulder width apart above my head and reapeat to myself... "I will smash you Fly. Right now... With one slap you will be done."

So I took a few deep breaths....

Waiting for the right moment....

Telling myself that I am capable of anything I set my mind to....


Gotcha Bitch!!!!!

Right in the middle of my palms! I smashed that fly!

I feel better now.

What a sorry sap... Such an absence of confidence in one's self! I don't understand it. I hope to change his mindset and produce a real man from this sorry excuse for a person that just so happens to have a penis. if nothing else to reassure my mind that my thoughts are where they need to be.

Good... uhhhh... morning...


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I beat the shit out of my dog today... Really...

So I'm sitting here raking my brain for something to write about. "This is my first blog ever! This has to be fucking epic!" I think to myself. And the only thing that comes to mind out of all the ridiculous adventures in my life that seem like a real life reality show is the fact that I beat the shit out of my dog today.

No... Really... Get this...

My dog is a pretty good little guy. He minds pretty well and has a few tricks and is an absolute chick magnet. Girls love him and he loves girls. Especially pretty ones I've noticed. The little guy has probably had his face in more pairs of breasts in his short life than I ever have. Well... probably not. But I do see him beating me in the long run, he is still just a pup.

Anywho, I let him out to go to the bathroom and he goes and does his thing. He comes right back in the door that I leave open. Now I don't have a fenced in yard so that's a pretty well-behaved dog right? And I don't bother closing the door because it's a beautiful day outside.

As I'm immersed into the stock ticker I hear some barking in the distance and then some pitter patter of my dog running down the stairs off the balcony. I look outside and the little guy is next to the fence nose to nose with this other dog and they are just wagging their fluffy tails as if they were trying to take flight using them as propellers. The neighbor then calls his dog inside and he trots away with my dog still trying to play through the fence.

Let's call him Gadget from now on to keep the confusion to a minimum while still protecting the innocent... And the guilty.

So I holler out "Gadget! Let's go! Inside!" Which usually has the little guy scurrying up the stairs as fast as he can right through the door and sliding across the wooden floor just inside.

No response.

In fact he's barking at something else and running towards it. I'm a little peeved that he didn't listen the first time, but now that I'm using a very firm voice and continuously barking commands at Gadget with no hesitation of persuing his new interest, I'm absolutely livid. By the time I get downstairs and into the front yard he's all the way across the street barking at an extremely fat and sweaty man who was apparently doing some sort of work at this house.

Now I'm past mad.

He's embarrassing me in front of the neighbors on top of endangering his life by running out in the street. And all this for some balder, more obese version of Tony Soprano with a horribly kept goatee?

Can I at least get an awkard meeting with a hot cougar out of all this commotion?

Keep in mind that this little fucker only weighs about 10 pounds.

Very non-threatening.

Finally he turns around and sees me in hot persuit yelling at him to come. His ears and tail immediately drop and he starts running away from me. He stops to look back a couple times to see me briskly walking after him but still keeping me at arm's reach.

He beats me inside and as I come in the door I tell him to come here again. He then scurries down the stairs inside the house. I catch a glimpse of his tail as he darts behind the E-Z chair just as I get to the bottom of the stairs. He is still ignoring my commands. I am literally shaking I'm so mad at this damn dog!

I finally get him out from behind the chair by leaning over and pushing him out from right and blocking his escape from the left.
Good thing I have long arms or the little fucker would have escaped this maneuver. Accepting his capture he finally gives up the chase.

Now if you're an officer of PETA you might have some choice words for me after reading what happens next. But then again... I don't care... He's my dog. 

I almost feel bad for the little guy now that I'm re-living the experience here through my keyboard. I remember back when I was a kid and I did some shit that I knew I was gonna get my ass beat for. Not just a normal ass-whoopin... But one where I could almost see the steam coming from my dad's ears as he approached while scolding me with the finger-shaking of his left hand along with the unbuckling and "Thwapp!" of his belt with one quick fluid motion from his right. I remember the last thought that went through my head as I desperately saught a way out of the inevitable ass-thrashing that was about to ensue.

Guilt! It's my only glimmer of hope!

So I cowered away nearly shaking from the fear that was rushing through my veins and looked directly up into my dad's eyes desperately trying to muster up some tears... Now this is the point where my father would say something like "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." And I'm like "Yeah fuckin right! Otherwise my Oscar award winning guilt trip I just performed for you live would have kept you from beating my ass!"

Anywho... Gadget attempted the same technique on me that I had used years before on my father while attempting to cover his backside from imminent danger. I halfway hesitated, and it almost worked. But I knew he needed an ass-whoopin so I gave him 3 quick, sharp smacks on his ass.

Then, I look down as he scurried away and sure enough, I'm not shitting you... A fucking turd about the size of grape had fallen out of his ass!!!

Outloud I say to myself, "I literally just beat the shit out of my dog! Who else can say they have done that before?"

I wasn't even mad anymore. In fact I LOL'd to myself and soon Gadget was over it too, licking my face and being just as playful as always. We can't stay mad at each other.